3 Important Lessons I Learned About Friendships
Without a doubt, friends are one of life’s greatest treasures. They are the family you get to choose, and the people we choose to spend our time with. Having friends that you cherish to be by your side and share your life with is truly a blessing. But what happens when a friendship starts to change and begins to deteriorate?
About six years ago, my husband and I moved to a city that was an hour and a half away from our family and friends. It was a difficult change for us but a necessary one. We were planning to start a family and neither one of us wanted to raise a child in a big, bustling city. Though our move came with its own set of challenges like a longer commute to work and eventually, my decision to leave the corporate world, it felt like the right move for us. What I didn’t anticipate; however, was the impact it would have on my relationship with my friends.
To be fair, I knew things would be different when I moved. I knew spending time wouldn’t be as easy as walking down across the aisle and grabbing coffee together or picking up the phone and saying, I’ll be there in 10 minutes. I simply didn’t think that a circumstance like distance would stand in the way of our friendship. After all, I believed our bond went beyond proximity. But as time went on, the invitations slowed down, texts and emails started to decrease, and I felt that the closeness between myself and friends started to decline. We saw each other less frequently and I suddenly found myself holding back on conversations.
In late 2017, I took a step back to look at who was in my immediate circle. I needed time to reassess my feelings and to determine which friendships were going to go the distance and which ones has simply expired. When I decided to move on with not one but two of my friends, it wasn’t easy. While my decision has been hard to take in, I think about it and I realize that they are for the better.
Today I wanted to share with you 3 important lessons that I learned about friendships.
IT’S OKAY TO LET GO
Often, we are drawn together by circumstance such as school, work or kids. When we go through big transitions, like moving away or starting a family, our situations change and so do our priorities. For too long I held onto friendships because I valued my connections with my friends.
My wake-up call came when things started to feel one-sided. I felt like I was constantly pursuing my friends for their time while not feeling like I am getting the same in return. They reply to my texts or emails, but I don’t see them sending me messages asking me how I am doing. I realized over time that if we were to have a conversation or get together, it was me who started it. At first, I was sad. I believed that the time my friends and I spent together were enough that would last beyond having distance wedged between us. It triggered my insecurities and it caused self-doubt. I spent a lot of time wondering what I did wrong? Or what I could have done differently? For this reason, it took me some time to build up the courage to walk away. Up until early 2017, I was still trying to connect with friends who didn’t seem dedicated to the friendship as I was.
Through this experience, I learned that not everyone is meant to be our friend forever. Life is a give and take and there is no value in a relationship where respect and trust are absent. I read a quote some time ago that has stuck with me since. It read, “Don’t lose yourself trying to hold on to someone who’s not afraid of losing you.” And they are right. A friendship is a two-way street and you must ask yourself, what is the point of trying with someone who clearly has no interest or time for you?
SET BOUNDARIES
Getting away from my friendships gave me the freedom to evolve and forced me to focus on myself. Those hours spent alone allowed me to discover more about who I am, what I want out of life and the type of people I want in it.
When I decided to distance myself from my friends, it wasn’t because I wanted to hurt them or that I didn’t care. It was because I recognized that I needed to take responsibility for how I allowed others to treat me. By setting personal boundaries, I can convey what behaviors I am willing to accept and which ones I will not tolerate.
Since then I have learned to be mindful about my friendships. I used to want to be friends with everyone and I wanted nothing more than to be that girl that everybody liked. These days, I am more intentional about who I spend my time with, and I am no longer afraid to walk away from people or situations that are no longer healthy or serve a purpose.
Like being positive, I believe being happy is a choice. Letting my friends go wasn’t easy but standing up for myself was essential for my happiness. At the end of the day, this is your life. It’s ultimately up to you to decide who you want in your life and who you want to spend your time with.
PRIORITIZE THOSE THAT PRIORITIZE YOU
Between careers, spouses, children and other extracurricular activities, life is busy. There are many things competing for our time, and it is not enough to just say our relationships are important. It takes more than good intentions for a friendship to develop and it all comes down to priorities.
I have had friends and family members who have claimed to miss me yet are always too busy to spend time with me. Always saying something like let’s get together soon but never actually following up. Granted, I know there will be times when life happens, and I won’t be my friend or even my family’s priority. But you know what? That is completely okay. While not all of us can drop everything to reply immediately to a text or attend every scheduled get together, someone who cares will want to see you and put equal effort in the relationship.
One of my good friends and I rarely get to see each other. We are hundreds of miles apart and we go months without being able to connect face-to-face but despite the distance, we remain close. We are both committed to the friendship and we both put in the energy and time to keep the relationship alive. Even though, the bulk of conversations occur via text or email, I feel more connected to her than some of my friends who live a lot closer.
The truth is, everyone is busy, and we all have limited amount of time to invest in relationships. You can’t give your time or energy to everybody you meet but when you do find that person that is willing to show up for you, make sure that you also invest in them.
FINAL THOUGHTS:
There are plenty of obstacles that make it difficult to maintain a friendship and a circumstance like distance doesn’t have to signal the end. However, it’s important to remember that a friendship is a two-way street and it requires a certain degree of work. It takes up your time, and even resources but it should never feel like an obligation. So, if certain relationships in your life are contributing to your unhappiness, it may be worth taking the time to reevaluate and reflect on what the person is providing in your life.
Ultimately, moving away taught me something so important, I discovered the true value of friendship.
Have you ever needed to let go of a friendship that wasn’t right for you anymore? Have you even been the one let go?
SHOP THIS POST:
Jeanne | 27th Nov 23
I love “deep thoughts” posts. This one is great. Thinking on how friendships changed over decades – 100+ years ago “social media” was a handwritten letter. 40-50+ years ago, expensive long distance phone calls. (I remember my mom worrying about long distance bills, mostly to relatives.) Friendships always have had to adapt in new circumstances. Great post!
Adrian | 17th Dec 19
This post was very meaningful to me. I don’t have issues in a friendship, but I do have a family situation where this was a genuine lightbulb moment for me. Thank you for sharing this important lesson!
phototrims | 20th Aug 19
What a fantastic, thoughtful post, I love that nowadays you can still keep in touch with social media. .
https://www.phototrims.com/background-removal-service
Elise | 25th Jul 19
This is such a great post and wonderful learning lessons. It took me a long time to realize this and I am so much happier now that I have boundaries.
Also, wonderful photos!
xx, Elise
http://www.sparkleandslippers.blogspot.com
Radi | 21st Jul 19
I agree with you. Some friendships come and go. There are definitely ones worth keeping because they bring value to your life.
http://www.fashionradi.com
Vanessa | 20th Jul 19
What a beautiful topic! Friendship is so important but it’s not always easy to find loyal friends to share your happiness and achievements. I have some good friends from my childhood and they are valuable people who I enjoy spending time with. I totally think that it’s not necessary being surrounded by toxic people, better to stay away from those.
Love your post!
Vanessa
https://thefashionstatement.net
Amy Johnson | 20th Jul 19
This is such a great and fabulous post that I can certainly relate too. I’m in the over-fifty age group, and that age group seems to lose a lot of friendships and it’s been hard for me. I too feel like I’m always the one to try to force a get-together that never seems to happen because the other person is too busy. Then I’ll go on FB and see they had a “girl’s weekend” when other girlfriends and I get hurt because I think they have time for other friends but not me. I wouldn’t mind if I had a large extended family, but I don’t. It’s a difficult transitional period in life, losing friends in mid life.
Melissa | 18th Jul 19
I can tell you enough, how much I agree with everything you said! Every type of relationship requires work from both parties. No real friendship can be one sided. Regardless how busy you are, when you really want you’ll put time to it. And I also believe some type of friendships aren’t meant to last forever. Some appear at a time of need, whether it’s us or them. And once it’s meet the need, it’s time to move forward. I am happy you are at a better place with friendships that mean something to you. My best friend is my sister and even though we live in different states, my friendship with her is stronger than my friends that live near. Our relationship doesn’t see distance 😉
And these photos… I can’t get enough. Major Inspo and Pinterest goals gf!
Joling | 16th Jul 19
I totally understand how you feel. I had the same feelings. Most of my good friends live far away from me. But we have great connections and we treasure our friendships. Thanks for sharing your story.
xo, Joling
http://lovejoling.com/
Niha | 15th Jul 19
I must say your all the photos are on an another level, u look really good in white and black strip dress… and i must say what ever u wrote is too deep and i like the way u describe it… always loving your post and and i hope there are alot post to come.. Keep sharing…
Professional Photo Editing Services
Michele Morin | 15th Jul 19
Great thoughts on friendship, and on life in general. Friendship is a gift.
Claire Justine | 15th Jul 19
Lovely post-Maureen. I have had some great friends over the years but as we went down different paths I lost contact with them. I love that nowadays you can still keep in touch with social media 🙂 Lovely photos and outfit. Thanks so much for sharing your post with us at Creative Mondays a few weeks ago. I am still catching up with work. Have a lovely week and I hope to see you on Wednesday.
Shauna | 13th Jul 19
Letting go of friendships that don’t feed my soul has been THE biggest lesson for me. It’s one that I continue to struggle with, but each year I can tell that I’m getting better and better at it. Thank you for sharing these thoughts, I really enjoyed them!
Shauna
http://www.lipglossandlace.net
Monica | 11th Jul 19
I 100% agree with you. When I moved from Texas back to NJ I reevaluated all of the people that were in my life. I basically got rid of everyone. They weren’t supportive of me and what I wanted to accomplish in life. Why would I keep people in my life who don’t want to do better? My current circle is very small and mostly family. I have a few friends (most of them are bloggers haha!) and I am ok with that. When I see women posting about their squad or when they post pictures of their bridal party I am just super shocked. I honestly don’t see myself having more than just my MOH (future sister in law) standing by my side. I loved every point you made in this post. This is probably why we get along! Side note, I’d honestly love to meet you one day if we are ever in the area of each other <3
Thanks for stopping by the linkup! http://www.jerseygirltexanheart.com
Shelbee on the Edge | 11th Jul 19
Maureen, this is such a great heartfelt post. I can totally relate having also moved hundreds of miles away from friends and family. And also living in a military community, friends come and go all the time. We learn to adjust. There are friends who are here just for the duration of their proximity and others that remain friends long after they have moved away. There are so many people in this world and so many different types of connections that we can form, but there is simply not enough time to nurture them all. Thank you for sharing your thoughts! I will be featuring this post on tomorrow’s Link Up On the Edge. I also absolutely adore these photos, my friend. So gorgeous!
Shelbee
http://www.shelbeeontheedge.com
Ashley | 10th Jul 19
I really enjoyed your thoughtful post! True friendships are so hard to come by, and certainly to be held dear and treasured.
Rach | 10th Jul 19
100% agree with this post! I’m a big proponent on staying in friendships that give back just as much as you give. Although it was hard, I’ve let go of some friendships and glad I did. Life is too short and we should really prioritize our time wisely.
http://www.rdsobsessions.com
Cheryl Tucker | 9th Jul 19
This is a fabulous post. Every word so true. I think friendships have a purpose in time and new friendships come as old one’s pass. It’s the ebb and flow of life! Love your outfit!
Peace!
Cheryl
Ashley | 9th Jul 19
This was such a great read, lady- and I’m so there with you! It can be a really tough lesson to learn- that friendships change and sometimes you just have to move on + let go. But it can be so disappointing, too! I’m also learning as I get older to prioritize the people who prioritize me- life is too short to waste it pumping energy in love into people who don’t return it!
-Ashley
Le Stylo Rouge
Miri | 8th Jul 19
What a thoughtful and inspiring post. I can answer your question with: both. Sometimes you’re just not meant to be friends for a longer period of life.
lots of love, Miri | MeetMiri
Ruth | 7th Jul 19
It can be hard to let go of friendships. Sometimes people just change and paths change and it’s just time to move on and then others it starts to become one sided and it’s time to let go. I’ve had to do both and it can be tough. I do have a bestie that lives across the US and we just have a special bond that even though we don’t talk a ton we are both there for each other no matter what. Hope you’re able to find some good strong friendships in your town!
http://www.ruthyannie.com
Ivana Split | 6th Jul 19
You are so wise. Yes, you really learned important lessons about friendship and you explained them so well. I agree that it is o.k to let go. I had friends I got along with pretty well, but we were never really close so when I moved I saw no point in trying to keep up the connection. You’re also right in that we should make time for people who make time for us. When someone really cares, they’ll find a way to connect, to talk with us. …and they will make time for us. Thank you for sharing.
Carrie @ Curly Crafty Mom | 5th Jul 19
I feel it is so hard at this time and day to have a lot of friendships, because I’m so busy! I’d rather have 1-3 really close friends than a bunch that want to do stuff all the time, when I don’t have the time. I kind of have to split up a lot of MY time with friends too with also having a friend over for my daughter or son, etc. since they’re at the age where we usually just watch one or the others child. I think when my kids are older, I’ll be able to have more friends… but, for now it is so hard!
Carrie
curlycraftymom.com
Nicole | 3rd Jul 19
This is so relatable to me in many ways! I’m from southern CA, and I was working with co-workers and in a unit I really loved. It was a tough decision for me when I decided to give it all up and move to a new area and get a new job to start graduate school (up in northern CA). Now, two years later, graduate school is done, but the friendships and work I gave up two years ago have changed…and I would definitely be out of the loop and trying to catch up if I were to go back.
Morgan Prince | 3rd Jul 19
I love this. It’s so hard to maintain friendships, especially when circumstances change. I’ve had that a lot over the years and always try to make the best out of it.
#wordlesswednesday
Amy Ann Arnold | 2nd Jul 19
Friendships can be tough but also so life giving. Sounds like you have learned some great lessons.
Amy Ann
Straight A Style
Julie | ThisMainLineLife.com | 2nd Jul 19
Those are great tips. I especially think it’s important to prioritize the friendships that are important and consciously make time to keep in touch. It’s so difficult though. I think even without a move, we often loose touch with friends after we have kids because our daily routine just changes so much and all of a sudden we’re spending virtually all of our time doing kid things. I was lucky to have joined a mom and me group when my son was first born and those ladies have become some of my closest friends. Even though we don’t get together with the kids anymore, we still see each other. I also started a neighborhood book club with a bunch of other local Moms and that’s been a lot of fun and keeps us close as a neighborhood.
Kathrine Eldridge | 1st Jul 19
Thanks for this insightful post! It’s so hard to let go but sometime that helps you move forward to find the next important friendship.
https://www.kathrineeldridge.com
Cristina - Memories of the Pacific | 1st Jul 19
Learning to let go has been an important lesson for me as well. I want through something similar which made me feel sad and insecure for a while but one I realized it wasn’t my fault, I felt so much better.
LeighAnn Harlan | 30th Jun 19
Friendships are tough sometimes. I’d rather have a couple really great friendships now than a lot of friends. On a side note, your outfit is adorable! 😉
Kate | 27th Jun 19
After making a big move out of state, I hit some of these same problems and could not agree more with this! Prioritize those who prioritize you, and it’s definitely ok to let go <3
Green Fashionista
Allie Mackin | 27th Jun 19
I hear you I have been through this many times. It happens in life for a multitude of reasons. People change and grow. Other times people have problems that are too much to handle, and other times you find you grow and change will your friends do not, or your realize in some cases that you were friends with some people for the wrong reasons.
I think this is a normal process of growth. You will eventually meet new friends that you have in common the the tried and true friends will last.
Allie of
http://www.allienyc.com
Lorna | 27th Jun 19
I totally feel you with this Maureen! I’ve been in this situation so many times, and I was always wondering what I did wrong, but in reality it’s just evolving and growing apart. So many decisions change friendships, and so many circumstances do, and like you said, it’s ok to let go. I find that hard though as you have built such a connection with that person, it’s gutting when they’re not really there anymore, but everything changes and life is so impermanent that we need to learn to accept that. We grow, we change, we move on. Hopefully we will always have a few important friends who will be with us forever though.
Raindrops of Sapphire
Bojana | 27th Jun 19
Such a thoughtful post and I completely agree with it. Maybe it’s the fact that as we age, have children, invest in our partnerships, we also gain clarity of what it important “now” and how we’ve evolved and changed. My new perspective is that all the relationships and friendships I’ve had, taught me something, made me grow, and were in my life because of that. That being said as we evolve and mature, our lives change and as you mention so do our priorities, our friendships do to. I love that you were able to have time to reflect and really reassess your own priorities and needs.
Lisa | 27th Jun 19
I needed to read this today. Thanks. It felt like I was reading my own story. Im still stuck in the “what did I say or do wrong” phase. However, I didn’t move away nor did my friends. Lunch and shopping dates started getting less and text got shorter. Then all of a sudden they stopped. Even when I would try to connect, they seemed distant. So I decided to not text the first text and see what happens……I haven’t heard from them since except for an occasional “like” on facebook. I finally came to the conclusion that I should not have to work so hard for a friendship. But I still wonder where it all went wrong. Then I have that one friend I grew up with and life happened so we do not see each other often but when we do, we pick right up where we left off like we were just together yesterday.
Lisa
Jill | 27th Jun 19
Loved reading this post! This is so spot on! I experienced the same thing when we moved to the suburbs years ago and have also had friendships where I’ve been the only one investing and it took me a long time to realize that it was time to move on. Interests and life, in general, is always changing and so are some of our relationships. One of my best friends I’ve known since 3rd grade and while we don’t see each other or talk often we always pick up right where we left off.
Jill – Doused in Pink
aditi oberoi malhotra | 27th Jun 19
Such an amazing read dear! Thanks for sharing this!
Adi xx | http://www.fancycorrectitude.com
Nikki Living Life | 24th Jun 19
Thank you for sharing this Maureen. I am so glad I am not the only one who feels this way. I could not agree with you more about friendship being a two-way street. With my relationships it has always saddened me that I am the one to always initiate phone calls or messages and sometimes never hear a reply. I’ve definitely learned these lessons (especially the letting go one). It’s never easy but needs to be done.
Nikki
http://www.nikkilivinglife.com/blog
mireille | 24th Jun 19
I so agree with you! I have noticed in the past 10 years who are the true friends and take time to initiate phone calls or messages and care to know what is going on in my life. As I have moved a little further away and have more kids, it has been harder for me to adjust but now use my energy to nurture the relationships that matter and not worry about the others. I also have found that frienships do evolve over the years, so becoming stronger while others are more passing.
http://www.chezmireillefashiontravelmom.com
Jessica | 17th Jun 19
Such a beautiful read dear, and I couldn’t agree more, especially with the last one.
Jessica | notjessfashion.com
Mica | 16th Jun 19
What a cute tee dress! I love the ankle boots with it 🙂
I think friendships change so much as you get older – especially when you add kids into the mix! It’s all very different from the kid free days of going out often, now it’s harder to plan events as you need to take kids into consideration, so much harder when your friends don’t have kids either.
Hope that you’re having a wonderful weekend 🙂
http://awayfromtheblue.blogspot.com.au
Grace | Graceful Rags | 15th Jun 19
Such a cute weekend outfit! And what a great post, I’ve definitely learned these lessons (especially the letting go one) over the last couple of years.
Have a great Saturday!
Miles of smiles,
Grace
gracefulrags.com
Laura | 14th Jun 19
Maureen this is a heartfelt and wonderfully written post. I have let go of friendships when I found I could not rely on others. It was hard and I miss them but I know it was for the best.
jodie filogomo | 14th Jun 19
Maureen, this is such a wonderful post. It’s not easy to let go of the friends from the past because they have such memories connected.
But it reminds me of a poem that I copied down years ago. Not that I remember the poem perfectly, but it basically says that some friends are like trees and last a lifetime while others are like flowers and only last a season. Yet the world has a need for both the flowers and the trees.
OXOX
Jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
PS…Popping over from Kellyann’s post. And she was right.
Chrissy | 14th Jun 19
First of all, I love this outfit and all your pics today! Secondly, I hear you so loud and clearly! You are spot on. Our close circle should be guarded. One wise woman told me that I should always be reaching out to someone in need (emotionally etc), enjoying the comfort of those who get me, looking to someone beyond my years, and encouraging someone younger. I think that covers all the bases – lol! Have a wonderful week Maureen. It’s a blessing to know you in the blog world!
Gina | 14th Jun 19
What a fantastic, thoughtful post, Maureen! I’m glad Kellyann mentioned it on her blog today! Having moved a few times to new cities as an adult, I can completely relate to what you’ve been through. It is HARD to start over and re-build new connections when everyone is busy busy busy. Plus, as a newcomer it often seems everyone else is already established with their own friends and family and don’t need to expand their circle. I’ve learned a lot of the same lessons as you about letting go when things feel one-sided. It’s difficult but ultimately better for my own health!
Katrina Rose | 14th Jun 19
Maureen thank you so much for sharing this! I went through my own transition of friends when I moved as well and it was hard. I think letting go is an important lesson and it took me a while to learn it. I have learned that, in adult friendship, quality is far better than quantity and that my true friends are okay if life gets crazy and we don’t see each other all the time. We grow so much as we move in and out of friendships and take the positive from them and allow it to help us grow.
xo
Katrina
http://www.katrinagwenrose.com
Mona Bednarska | 12th Jun 19
I couldn’t agree with you more! It’s a kind of post I would also love to post on my blog one day.
When I was a bit younger (well, about half a year ago hahaah) it was very hard for me to let some friends go, even though I didn’t really want to spend time with them anymore. We should just thank for all of the amazing moments we could spend with people we loved and be ready for the future.
And well, you never know how things will go, on Friday I’m meeting my best friend from the primary school, we haven’t seen each other for over 2 years, but I can’t wait to seeing her!
Have a wonderful evening! ❤️
Mona Bednarska
Kellyann Rohr | 12th Jun 19
Maureen, this is so well written and spot on! I have had a similar experience minus the moving! I have had friends return to work and leave my life – they get busy with their new day to day and don’t have time for me. I realized there are seasons of friendship and it’s okay. I care about them and they care about me but we have other interests right now. Thanks for sharing all of this – I know so many women feel this way. I am going to link back to this in my Friday Favorites this week – it’s a gem!
xo,
Kellyann
Jennifer | 10th Jun 19
It can be hard to maintain friendships as you get older. I ended to friendships myself. One was extremely toxic and I needed to let go.
Jennifer
Effortlessly Sophisticated